Navigating the pressure to start a family and define success across cultures.
Growing up Indo-Canadian has been a huge blessing in my life. It has allowed me the opportunity to live between two cultures and has offered a unique set of experiences that continue to shape who I am today. However, when one culture places a heavy emphasis on marriage and family and the other has vastly different views, such as strong focus on individualism and career success, the pressure to “make the right choice” without “losing yourself and your culture” can be overwhelming.
I’m incredibly fortunate to have been raised by a mother who instilled in me from a very young age the importance of standing on my own two feet. This mindset coupled with countless viewings of Legally Blonde and success stories we’ve heard over the years in the western world - left me perfectly happy being 28 and unmarried.
This past summer, I attended six weddings of relatives all within two years of my age. My dad occasionally jokes about taking a picture for Shaadi.com when I’m dressed up, but aside from that, my parents have been largely unfazed by my lack of marriage proposals. My relatives, however, have been more vocal. I lost count of the number of times I was asked, "When are you getting married?" or "We can't wait for your wedding!" and even one or two “Don’t you want to give your parents grandkids?”
While these comments don’t particularly bother me, they did make me think about my future. I realized I didn’t know exactly what I wanted—except that I wanted to do what felt right for me. I couldn’t let external pressures, like the need for a spot on Forbes 30 under 30 or the expectation to start a family early, dictate my life.
To understand what was truly important to me and what I wanted in my future, I found success in taking inventory of my own values. By understanding what truly mattered to me, I felt more confident to navigate my feelings around the next steps I wanted to take in my life.
Taking Inventory of Your Values
The most important step in navigating these conflicting pressures is to look inward. What do you truly want out of life? Do you want to get married and have children? Do you want a career first, or are you focused on other personal goals? What does success, happiness, and fulfillment mean to you, independent of the expectations of others?
Tip: Reflect on what truly matters to you. Consider writing down your values and long-term goals. What are your passions? What are your priorities—career, relationships, travel, personal growth, financial independence? Understanding your own priorities will give you the confidence to make decisions that reflect your true self, not just what is expected of you.
Define ‘Success’ For Yourself
Often, the pressure to marry and have children comes from a narrow definition of success. In many cultures, success is equated with marriage, children, and a settled home life. However, success can look different to different people.
Tip: Think about what success means to you—not your parents, not society, not anyone else. Does success mean traveling the world? Launching a business? Creating art or pursuing a passion? Becoming a mother and building a family? Building a community or advocating for a cause? Success is subjective, and it’s important to define it on your own terms, not according to what others expect.
Acknowledge the Pressure
The first step in managing any external pressure is acknowledging it. In many cultures, marriage and children are seen as the ultimate goals for women, a way to ensure security, social acceptance, and familial pride. Your family might ask why you're not married yet or express concern about you not having children. These questions, though often coming from a place of love, can feel overwhelming and frustrating, especially if your personal timeline doesn’t align with these expectations.
Tip: It's okay to feel the weight of these pressures. Recognize that the pressure is often more about their values and experiences, not necessarily about what you want or need in your life. By acknowledging this, you can begin to separate their expectations from your own desires.
Understand the Differences in Societal Norms
Living in a Western society often means that values like career progression, independence, and personal freedom are celebrated and encouraged, especially for women. There is less emphasis on marriage as a social requirement, and the age at which people get married or have children has gradually shifted. In many Western cultures, it’s common for people to wait longer to settle down, prioritize their careers, or choose not to marry at all.
Give Yourself Permission to Evolve
Remember that values can be fluid and your desires can change over time.Maybe you’re focused on building your career now, but a few years later, you may feel ready to get married or start a family. That’s okay. Life isn’t a race, and it’s not about adhering to a set timeline.
Final Thoughts
By taking the time to reflect on your desires, setting boundaries with others’ expectations, and defining your own version of success, you can navigate this tension with confidence and clarity. You deserve to make decisions that align with who you truly are, not what others expect of you.
The best way to navigate these pressures is by embracing your values and trusting that the life you’re building is exactly the right one for you—no matter what anyone else thinks.
When it comes to defining success, which of these is most important to you?
Building a successful career
Starting a family and getting married
Traveling and personal growth
Financial independence and stability
You can vote for more than one answer.
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