Have you ever been in a situation where you’re unsure whether or not to say something? What if that something involves telling a friend you’re not a fan of their partner? It’s an uncomfortable interpersonal dilemma I’ve faced more than once over the years, and the decision was never an easy one.
The First Time I Faced this Challenge
The first time I found myself in this position, I assumed the answer was simple. I had been best friends with Emily for over five years when she started dating Chad. On the surface, Chad seemed like an okay guy. He was funny, pleasant, and seemed to treat her well. But over time, I noticed little things that started to feel like red flags. Emily began saying things like, “I want to come, but Chad won’t let me.” I could see that she was slowly losing herself—she stopped doing things she loved, stopped hanging out with family and friends, and spent almost all her time with Chad and his circle.
At one point, I couldn’t stay quiet anymore. We were meeting for dinner, and I decided to bring it up. I said, “It’s crazy that you’re letting Chad control your life. We’re 19, he’s not your Dad.” That was a huge mistake. The whole conversation blew up, and our friendship ended shortly after that dinner.
Here we go again
A few years later, I was faced with a similar situation. Sarah’s boyfriend would regularly say rude things about her behind her back—things like questioning her intelligence and criticizing her choices. If I was Sarah, I would want my friends to tell me. But once again, I found myself hesitant. I didn’t want to risk losing another friend. On the one hand, I didn’t want to keep quiet, but on the other, I wasn’t sure how much my opinion was really worth. I started asking myself some tough questions:
What am I hoping to achieve by bringing this up?
Do I owe my friend the truth, even if it might hurt them?
What’s the potential fallout, and am I prepared for it?
Am I really looking out for my friend’s well-being, or am I projecting something?
To Speak or Not to Speak?
I wanted to support my friends’ happiness. But could I do that by pretending everything was fine when it wasn’t? I realized this wasn’t just about my problem with the partners—it was about who I was as a person and what kind of friend I wanted to be.
I didn’t want to be the kind of friend who stayed silent for fear of rocking the boat. But I also knew that speaking up came with risks—risks that could damage or even end the friendship. So, I asked myself: What kind of friend do I want to be?
When I finally had the conversation with Sarah, I approached it as carefully as I could. I focused on my feelings, instead of criticizing her boyfriend. I told her, “I don’t want to hurt your relationship, but I’ve noticed that he talks about you in ways that I find concerning.” I told her I cared about her and would want to know if I was in her shoes. To my dismay, it didn’t go well. She became defensive, hurt, and ultimately, our relationship began to unravel. I apologized for overstepping, but the damage was done. I remember feeling hurt that Sarah prioritized her partner over our friendship, especially when I was only trying to protect her.
Did I make the right decision?
Over the next few weeks I came to realize that even though the conversation was difficult and didn’t go as planned, I did what I felt was right. I didn’t want to lose Sarah, I only brought up the conversation because I cared about her. As a result, I started to put more and more effort into the relationship. I texted her every few days, even if she hadn’t replied to the last message and started trying to make more plans.
I realized that being a true friend (by my definition), means not just agreeing with everything, but speaking up—even if it might not be well received. The right friendships will survive that kind of honesty, and the ones that don’t may not have been the ones meant to last.
Honesty Vs Loss
When deciding whether or not to share your honest feelings with a friend about their partner, it’s never easy. The interpersonal challenge isn’t just about voicing your opinion; it’s about weighing the potential costs against staying true to your values. It’s about asking yourself what kind of friend you want to be, and whether your concerns are genuinely rooted in care or just personal discomfort.
If you’ve found yourself in a similar situation, you know how tough it can be to figure out whether to speak up or stay silent. The truth is, it’s not just about your feelings toward your friend’s partner—it’s about your values and what kind of friend you want to be.
If you’re facing a similar dilemma, or just want to chat about navigating these tough conversations, feel free to reach out. I’d be happy to discuss more on how to handle complex interpersonal relationships—let’s talk!
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